Monday, January 30, 2012

Too Much Daytime T.V.

Basically, I have been watching Jerry Springer, The Jeremy Kyle Show, The Bill Cunningham Show, that new Dr. Drew show, and basically all daytime television. I really feel like giving some advice. I’ve already given a try at breakup tips. (link) Now I’d like to give a try at other subjects. So if you want to either ask a question in the comment section or drop me an e-mail. (And don’t worry I won’t use your real name.)
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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dear Random Bar Guys,

You’re an interesting bunch of people to say the least. I know it’s not fair to judge you because of a few bad apples, but for the sake of my letter and sanity, I will.

But really, you are an interesting bunch of people. I already had to write a PSA regarding your strange behavior, and now…well you’ve really hit an all-time low.

I’m not sure who taught you how to talk to women, but whoever did should be shot with a high caliber machine gun until they resemble Swiss cheese. Whatever happened to: “Hi. What’s your name? I’m...Nice to meet you!” Then followed by regular small talk. ?????????????? Only a fraction of you did this! What the fuck?!?!

Here are my favorite lines of the night from the lagoon creatures I encountered:

“Hey, yo, light skinned girl…” Does my skin color really matter?

“If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you out the house looking as hot as you do.” Wow! That is insanely creepy.

“Hey Jenna or whatever your name is, can I get your number?” No, and my name is not Jenna, it’s Gina or Gigi. Not that you really care.

“You dance really good for an anorexic looking girl.” Thanks for that back handed compliment asshole. And it’s called a fast metabolism.

“Fine then, I don’t need your number anyways! Why don’t you and your mosquito bites go to the bar and get drunk!” Uh why do you think I’m at the bar in the first place? And “mosquito bites”?, I wrote a whole public service announcement about this.

“What you don’t date gangstas/brothas/(racial slur)?” I don’t creepy guys. And although I’m light skinned, I’m actually mixed, so don’t play the race card with me.

“You’re pretty hot…for an emo girl.” Another lame attempt at a backhanded compliment… I’m confused as well since I don’t even look emo.

“If I got you drunk enough, I bet you’d go home with me.” This was my favorite line from the night. I could write an entire post about this sentence alone it was so awful. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that would have gotten me to go home with you.

I’m almost at a loss of words because of this strange behavior. The fact that multiple guys said this bullshit makes me lose faith in the male species. I believe that everyone has a soul mate, but did mine get hit by a bus or something?!

Your behavior needs to change guys.

One Pissed Off Woman
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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

WTF Happened To This Blog?!

This is what happens when you watch too many makeover shows! As much as I love Vargas Girls, the pin-up theme was getting to be a little too much.
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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hello Everyone

I hope all of you had an awesome drunk weekend like myself! I have an interestng story about my weekend that I'll post about soon.

Anyways, it has been brought to my attention that you couldn't comment on my beauty blog, Red Lipstick and Cheesecake, and I just want to let you know that it has been fixed. There are some other minor problems, that I'm also working on, but everything is up and running. So feel free to take a look, and let me know your thoughts and suggestions.
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Thursday, January 19, 2012

Help My Friends!

Do you have any other suggestions?
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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Itty Bitty Titty Committe PSA

A random guy, at a random bar, told me (after I rejected him) that I should join said committee. From having an auntie that is a retired psychotherapist, I know that this guy was just upset about not getting my phone number, and therefore felt the need to insult me for the sake of his ego. But really?! What a lame, so called “insult”. If you’re going to insult someone, 1. have a really good reason to, and 2. try to be clever about it.

I am a proud member of this committee, Dammit! I always have been, and according to my strange family genetics, I will be for the next 20 years or so.

What really irks me is that this lagoon creature, posing as a man, thinks my self-esteem and my wonderful a cups are somehow related.

Well young man, you are mistaken. Without trying to get all “woman’s studies,” I’m going to spit some hot fire of truth at you. (And thank you to the lovely Jenna Marbles for coming up with “hot fire of truth!”)
You should consider yourself lucky that I even acknowledged your presence. Just because I was at a bar drinking, does not mean I was on the search for a one night stand. Just because I am getting divorced does not mean I have some heavy emotional baggage. I am not desperate for a man. . .especially one of your lowly caliber.

I’m beginning to grow a backbone dammit! And I hope the lovely ladies who read my blog have a backbone too. If you’ve got small tits, humongous bosoms, if you’re pencil thin, or you’ve got a big butt and cannot lie, EMBRACE what you have! There’s already too much pressure from society on how we’re supposed to look. So don’t let a man bring you down. Ever.
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Friday, January 13, 2012

I Started A Beauty Blog!

Hello everyone! I just started a new vintage inspired blog called Red Lipstick and Cheesecake
There isn't much on it yet, but I invite you to take a look. If you have any suggestions feel free to send me an e-mail
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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Big Girl Panties

It’s already 12 days into the new year and I’ve yet to accomplish anything. Unless you consider memorizing “Bounce That Dick” by Jenna Marbles an accomplishment?! Yeah I didn’t think so either.

I think maybe I should give myself a break.

In the last few months I’ve metaphorically purchased a pair of Big Girl Panties. I’ve made the decision to make a fresh start in a new city where nobody knows my name. I’m also throwing caution to the wind and going to cosmetology school.

Now I have to go and actually put on those metaphorical Big Girl Panties, and that scares me. I’ll have to be. . .independent. I can’t rely on Daddy or (now ex) husband to help me. This is a strange feeling. . .or maybe that’s the sangria I just had. Either way, I’m anxious to what the near future holds for me, but hopefully it’s filled with lunacy and best (sangria) wishes!
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Friday, January 6, 2012

I Saw This On Facebook and Couldn't Resist :)

You Know You Lived/Grew Up In Washington State When:

You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Enumclaw and Issaquah.

You consider swimming an indoor sport.

Your lawn is mostly moss and you don't really care.

Your daily commute to work involves riding a ferry.

Honking your car is for absolute emergencies.

You're extremely picky about............... your coffee.

You know where the original Starbucks is, but never go there because of all the tourists.

You rarely wash your car because it's just going to get rained on tomorrow.

Northface’s are always in fashion.

You take a heavy coat and a hat with you for a day at the beach.

Half of your food is organic and you use reusable grocery bags.

You are a full supporter/Superfan of one of Seattle's sports teams, even though you know they aren't that good.

You play the "no you go" at four-way stops.

You can tell the difference between Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.

You know what a Dick's Deluxe is.

You won't go to Forks because of all the Twilight fans.

You will never forgive A-Rod.

You are a fan of all things green.
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Monday, January 2, 2012

WANTED: A Good Drinking Buddy

Can you drink like a fish?

Can you drink like a fish without profusely vomiting? I understand it happens once in a great while, usually on a tequila bender, but I DO NOT want to be holding back your hair every time.

Have you ever drunk dialed your ex to tell them that you want them back recently? If you answered yes, you need not apply. If you have called your ex to tell them how much of a loser they are, well then that is perfectly okay.

Can you tell the difference between well and premium liquor?
Do you know it is NEVER okay to order a Mikes Hard Lemonade unless you are using it as a chaser to real alcohol or to maintain your current level of drunkenness?

Are you strangely drawn to biker bars? Do you watch too much Sons of Anarchy, or have a preference for guys with facial hair who wear leather chaps? That’s okay. I much prefer dive bars myself. There is a significantly lesser chance of running into a Metrosexual Douchebag. Y’ know the meathead who wears half a pound of hair gel, a pooka shell necklace, and a t-shirt a couple sizes too small to show off his biceps covered with tribal tattoos? He talks about how much money he has and about the nice car he drives. Listen Douchebag, I don’t care if you have a BMW. . . from 1994! I would say that this guy has the personality of Tucker Max, but that would be insulting to Tucker. Metro Douchebag also boasts about how he could have any girl he wanted in the building, but you are the LUCKY one. What a load of bullshit.

Anyways, after a long night, would you put out a cup of ice water, a wet washcloth, a garbage can, and a bottle of Tums and some Tylenol for me? Would you make sure I didn’t pass out wearing my shoes. . .or with some random bar guy? Because I would do the same for you.
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