Monday, January 2, 2012

WANTED: A Good Drinking Buddy

Can you drink like a fish?

Can you drink like a fish without profusely vomiting? I understand it happens once in a great while, usually on a tequila bender, but I DO NOT want to be holding back your hair every time.

Have you ever drunk dialed your ex to tell them that you want them back recently? If you answered yes, you need not apply. If you have called your ex to tell them how much of a loser they are, well then that is perfectly okay.

Can you tell the difference between well and premium liquor?
Do you know it is NEVER okay to order a Mikes Hard Lemonade unless you are using it as a chaser to real alcohol or to maintain your current level of drunkenness?

Are you strangely drawn to biker bars? Do you watch too much Sons of Anarchy, or have a preference for guys with facial hair who wear leather chaps? That’s okay. I much prefer dive bars myself. There is a significantly lesser chance of running into a Metrosexual Douchebag. Y’ know the meathead who wears half a pound of hair gel, a pooka shell necklace, and a t-shirt a couple sizes too small to show off his biceps covered with tribal tattoos? He talks about how much money he has and about the nice car he drives. Listen Douchebag, I don’t care if you have a BMW. . . from 1994! I would say that this guy has the personality of Tucker Max, but that would be insulting to Tucker. Metro Douchebag also boasts about how he could have any girl he wanted in the building, but you are the LUCKY one. What a load of bullshit.

Anyways, after a long night, would you put out a cup of ice water, a wet washcloth, a garbage can, and a bottle of Tums and some Tylenol for me? Would you make sure I didn’t pass out wearing my shoes. . .or with some random bar guy? Because I would do the same for you.


Ashley A. said...

Girl, if there is anyone who has your back, it is me. I'm not necessarily the most intelligent when it comes to my drinks as far as what is well and what is premium, I just know that I love tequila and that I haven't thrown up from my alcohol consumption in over a year--in fact, I've only thrown up from drinking 3 times: because I had thought it was a good idea to drink more than one 4LOKO among other beverages without having much to eat…drinking an entire bottle of wine in one hour with only bubble gum on my stomach (on Thanksgiving day at 8 am no less) and the third was just…some very terrible mixing decisions that I will never, ever make again.

I would never let you do anything bad while under the influence. I tend to slip into foreign accents once fully inebriated and it's always good for getting more drinks--I mean, come on, English accents are always charming--and I am able to tell anyone, yes ANYONE, off in order to be a savior to a friend.

I think we'd be a perfect match.

Gigi said...

Ashley, I just have to say you are amazing! This is the best comment someone has ever left on my blog.

I would be honored to have you as my drinking buddy. With your English accent and my not so charming (fake) Statan Island accent, we would tear up the town.

Oh and drinking on Thanksgiving morning, I just call that Drunks-giving ;)

Now I can only hope that the drinking gods are on our side and you end up in Seattle!

Ashley A. said...

If that would work itself out, I would be the happiest person because it would mean I'm not alone on the west coast. If I get a job over there (or end up over there for other reasons, you know what could happen) I'll be sure to hold you to that!

Carla said...

I don't drink like a fish...I can drink like a viking! But I'm too far away, maybe we could do shots over Skype one day (!!).

Just wanted to say hi, I was blog -hopping (wtf) and ended up here after seeing your post at The Beauty Department. And I'll definitely will come back for more lunacy and vodka wishes.

Anonymous said...

If you ever make it down to Los Angeles, I am a cosmetologist, working as a waitress at a Venice Beach bar and also turning 22 this year. You seem like the ideal drinking buddy for me.. I <3 whiskey. maybe you'd be a good wingman too?? Cheers!

GiGi said...

Michele, you sound like an amazing drinking buddy! And I'm an excellent wingman :)

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