Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Insomnia Musings About Ariel

Ariel has always been my favorite Disney princess. Despite barely knowing how to swim, when I was little I so desperately wanted to be a mermaid. I would watch the VHS tape over and over again. I also wondered how much fucking Manic Panic it took to get her hair to that shade. And also how in the hell did she get that shell bikini top to stay on perfectly. But watching the Little Mermaid now, I’m having some rather mixed feelings.

Ariel gave away her beautiful voice, to have a pair of legs. That’s messed up to trade whatever you have that makes you unique. I understand that by flipping your fins, you don’t get too far. But really? Doing all of this for a guy you don’t know? So legs are required for jumping, dancing and strolling along on. . .what’s that word again? oh street. Legs also require frequent shaving, feet need pedicures, and you risk an expensive addiction to shoe shopping.

So in the land of where we walk, where we run, where we stay all day in the sun, I am telling you to stay the fuck in the ocean! Don’t be a part of our world! Love that fact that you’re a mermaid instead of being upset of what you are.

Ariel, you should have had Ursula take his voice and turn him into a merman in exchange for his voice. You wouldn’t have to leave your family behind, or trade your beautiful singing voice. Add in the bonus of never having to hear your man gripe about any issues ever!

Now here comes the mixed feelings part. . . despite having the burden of having to shave your legs on a regular basis, I would totally want to be a human. Y’see in the world of Cartoon Land, that prince/sailor guy Ariel likes, I think his name is Eric or something like that, is decent looking. I have a strange thing for tall, athletic white guys with dark hair so I would totally hit that.

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