I Answered My Own Question.

As you can see, underneath my blog posts I have a list of reactions. After my post about blogging burnout, two of you said I needed to drink more and I did just that. I pretty much spent my Friday, Saturday, and Monday nights heavily intoxicated. During my drunkenness I answered my own question about gingers having souls.

Assuming this is true, I love only having 75% of a soul. It allows me to engage in (what some would consider) questionable behavior without giving a fuck. And that is pretty awesome. The world needs more gingers!

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21st Birthday Checklist

Tips for your 21st birthday (or the legal drinking age in your country), so you can have the best night you’ll hardly remember.

-If you’re wearing a dress, wear proper underwear. Yes thongs are cute, but pictures of your exposed lady parts on the internet while you are shitfaced, not so cute. Don’t pull a Britney, a Paris, or a Lindsay. . .please wear underpants!

-Don’t wear anything strapless. It just sounds like a “girls gone wild” accident waiting to happen.

- Whether you wear high heels, wedges, ballet flats, sandals, or whatever, those shoes better have an ankle strap. This way you’ll be less likely to lose them. Trust me on this one.

-Tonight is not the night to go the most expensive restaurant and order the most expensive dish. With the large amount of alcohol you are about to consume, there is a significantly increased chance that you are going to throw up. As nice as a fancy dinner on your birthday sounds, throwing up lobster and filet mignon isn’t very nice. Go to TGI Friday’s like a normal person.

-Bring your boyfriend/husband/guy friend with you. I can almost guarantee you a creepy drunk man will somehow find out it’s your birthday, crawl out of the woodworks, and insist on “birthday spankings”. Obviously you do not want to go through a traumatizing experience like that, so having a guy with your group of friends will help out tremendously.

-You will probably drunk dial and/or text someone. Either turn off your phone, delete a few numbers of people you are prone to calling (like an ex), or be prepared to possible be confronted the next day.

-Bring a friend who is going to be not nearly as drunk as you are. A good friend will help keep those creepy bar guys away from you. A good friend will hold back your hair for you if you get sick. A good friend will make sure you do not wake up next to a stranger the next morning. Basically a good friend will look after you.

-Start drinking early. Have a mimosa at breakfast, a beer at lunch, and a glass of wine at dinner. If you are a newbie at this whole drinking thing, at the bar/club, start off slow. Try sticking with beer and mixed drinks. If you’re like me, dive straight in!

-If you have a great bartender, TIP THEM WELL!!! Especially if you plan on making the place you’re at your regular watering hole. Seriously, tip your bartender! They will remember you and they will treat you accordingly.

-Speaking of bartenders, if the bar is busy, already know what drink you are going to order. Don’t annoy them.

-Never ever say, “the next rounds’ on me!” That is a sure fire way to quickly deplete your drinking fund.

-Before bed, drink as much water as you can physically drink. This will help with your hangover the next morning. Also keep a bottle of tums and painkillers nearby.

-Don’t try to recreate any of The Hangover movies; shenanigans like that take time and practice.

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Dear Random Bar Guys,

You’re an interesting bunch of people to say the least. I know it’s not fair to judge you because of a few bad apples, but for the sake of my letter and sanity, I will.

But really, you are an interesting bunch of people. I already had to write a PSA regarding your strange behavior, and now…well you’ve really hit an all-time low.

I’m not sure who taught you how to talk to women, but whoever did should be shot with a high caliber machine gun until they resemble Swiss cheese. Whatever happened to: “Hi. What’s your name? I’m...Nice to meet you!” Then followed by regular small talk. ?????????????? Only a fraction of you did this! What the fuck?!?!

Here are my favorite lines of the night from the lagoon creatures I encountered:

“Hey, yo, light skinned girl…” Does my skin color really matter?

“If I was your boyfriend I’d never let you out the house looking as hot as you do.” Wow! That is insanely creepy.

“Hey Jenna or whatever your name is, can I get your number?” No, and my name is not Jenna, it’s Gina or Gigi. Not that you really care.

“You dance really good for an anorexic looking girl.” Thanks for that back handed compliment asshole. And it’s called a fast metabolism.

“Fine then, I don’t need your number anyways! Why don’t you and your mosquito bites go to the bar and get drunk!” Uh why do you think I’m at the bar in the first place? And “mosquito bites”?, I wrote a whole public service announcement about this.

“What you don’t date gangstas/brothas/(racial slur)?” I don’t creepy guys. And although I’m light skinned, I’m actually mixed, so don’t play the race card with me.

“You’re pretty hot…for an emo girl.” Another lame attempt at a backhanded compliment… I’m confused as well since I don’t even look emo.

“If I got you drunk enough, I bet you’d go home with me.” This was my favorite line from the night. I could write an entire post about this sentence alone it was so awful. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that would have gotten me to go home with you.

I’m almost at a loss of words because of this strange behavior. The fact that multiple guys said this bullshit makes me lose faith in the male species. I believe that everyone has a soul mate, but did mine get hit by a bus or something?!

Your behavior needs to change guys.

Sincerely,
One Pissed Off Woman

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Itty Bitty Titty Committe PSA

A random guy, at a random bar, told me (after I rejected him) that I should join said committee. From having an auntie that is a retired psychotherapist, I know that this guy was just upset about not getting my phone number, and therefore felt the need to insult me for the sake of his ego. But really?! What a lame, so called “insult”. If you’re going to insult someone, 1. have a really good reason to, and 2. try to be clever about it.

I am a proud member of this committee, Dammit! I always have been, and according to my strange family genetics, I will be for the next 20 years or so.

What really irks me is that this lagoon creature, posing as a man, thinks my self-esteem and my wonderful a cups are somehow related.

Well young man, you are mistaken. Without trying to get all “woman’s studies,” I’m going to spit some hot fire of truth at you. (And thank you to the lovely Jenna Marbles for coming up with “hot fire of truth!”)
You should consider yourself lucky that I even acknowledged your presence. Just because I was at a bar drinking, does not mean I was on the search for a one night stand. Just because I am getting divorced does not mean I have some heavy emotional baggage. I am not desperate for a man. . .especially one of your lowly caliber.

I’m beginning to grow a backbone dammit! And I hope the lovely ladies who read my blog have a backbone too. If you’ve got small tits, humongous bosoms, if you’re pencil thin, or you’ve got a big butt and cannot lie, EMBRACE what you have! There’s already too much pressure from society on how we’re supposed to look. So don’t let a man bring you down. Ever.

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WANTED: A Good Drinking Buddy

Can you drink like a fish?

Can you drink like a fish without profusely vomiting? I understand it happens once in a great while, usually on a tequila bender, but I DO NOT want to be holding back your hair every time.

Have you ever drunk dialed your ex to tell them that you want them back recently? If you answered yes, you need not apply. If you have called your ex to tell them how much of a loser they are, well then that is perfectly okay.

Can you tell the difference between well and premium liquor?
Do you know it is NEVER okay to order a Mikes Hard Lemonade unless you are using it as a chaser to real alcohol or to maintain your current level of drunkenness?

Are you strangely drawn to biker bars? Do you watch too much Sons of Anarchy, or have a preference for guys with facial hair who wear leather chaps? That’s okay. I much prefer dive bars myself. There is a significantly lesser chance of running into a Metrosexual Douchebag. Y’ know the meathead who wears half a pound of hair gel, a pooka shell necklace, and a t-shirt a couple sizes too small to show off his biceps covered with tribal tattoos? He talks about how much money he has and about the nice car he drives. Listen Douchebag, I don’t care if you have a BMW. . . from 1994! I would say that this guy has the personality of Tucker Max, but that would be insulting to Tucker. Metro Douchebag also boasts about how he could have any girl he wanted in the building, but you are the LUCKY one. What a load of bullshit.

Anyways, after a long night, would you put out a cup of ice water, a wet washcloth, a garbage can, and a bottle of Tums and some Tylenol for me? Would you make sure I didn’t pass out wearing my shoes. . .or with some random bar guy? Because I would do the same for you.

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