Itty Bitty Titty Committe PSA

A random guy, at a random bar, told me (after I rejected him) that I should join said committee. From having an auntie that is a retired psychotherapist, I know that this guy was just upset about not getting my phone number, and therefore felt the need to insult me for the sake of his ego. But really?! What a lame, so called “insult”. If you’re going to insult someone, 1. have a really good reason to, and 2. try to be clever about it.

I am a proud member of this committee, Dammit! I always have been, and according to my strange family genetics, I will be for the next 20 years or so.

What really irks me is that this lagoon creature, posing as a man, thinks my self-esteem and my wonderful a cups are somehow related.

Well young man, you are mistaken. Without trying to get all “woman’s studies,” I’m going to spit some hot fire of truth at you. (And thank you to the lovely Jenna Marbles for coming up with “hot fire of truth!”)
You should consider yourself lucky that I even acknowledged your presence. Just because I was at a bar drinking, does not mean I was on the search for a one night stand. Just because I am getting divorced does not mean I have some heavy emotional baggage. I am not desperate for a man. . .especially one of your lowly caliber.

I’m beginning to grow a backbone dammit! And I hope the lovely ladies who read my blog have a backbone too. If you’ve got small tits, humongous bosoms, if you’re pencil thin, or you’ve got a big butt and cannot lie, EMBRACE what you have! There’s already too much pressure from society on how we’re supposed to look. So don’t let a man bring you down. Ever.

Read More

WANTED: A Good Drinking Buddy

Can you drink like a fish?

Can you drink like a fish without profusely vomiting? I understand it happens once in a great while, usually on a tequila bender, but I DO NOT want to be holding back your hair every time.

Have you ever drunk dialed your ex to tell them that you want them back recently? If you answered yes, you need not apply. If you have called your ex to tell them how much of a loser they are, well then that is perfectly okay.

Can you tell the difference between well and premium liquor?
Do you know it is NEVER okay to order a Mikes Hard Lemonade unless you are using it as a chaser to real alcohol or to maintain your current level of drunkenness?

Are you strangely drawn to biker bars? Do you watch too much Sons of Anarchy, or have a preference for guys with facial hair who wear leather chaps? That’s okay. I much prefer dive bars myself. There is a significantly lesser chance of running into a Metrosexual Douchebag. Y’ know the meathead who wears half a pound of hair gel, a pooka shell necklace, and a t-shirt a couple sizes too small to show off his biceps covered with tribal tattoos? He talks about how much money he has and about the nice car he drives. Listen Douchebag, I don’t care if you have a BMW. . . from 1994! I would say that this guy has the personality of Tucker Max, but that would be insulting to Tucker. Metro Douchebag also boasts about how he could have any girl he wanted in the building, but you are the LUCKY one. What a load of bullshit.

Anyways, after a long night, would you put out a cup of ice water, a wet washcloth, a garbage can, and a bottle of Tums and some Tylenol for me? Would you make sure I didn’t pass out wearing my shoes. . .or with some random bar guy? Because I would do the same for you.

Read More

"I'm Canadian"

I’m not actually Canadian. I’m half British, but that doesn’t really count. I went to Vancouver once on a day trip. I even briefly dated a hockey playing guy from a place that I can’t even spell. . . No wait, I just crossed the border into Creepy Town and looked him up on FB. I can totally spell Alberta.

Back to the point. Lately outside of the major stores in the area, are a bunch of guys asking to sign a petition. I don’t want to sign anything. Signing a lease on an apartment was difficult for me, so something that could turn into a law and possibly affect millions of people, not cool. If it was a petition for rescuing puppies and kittens, I would sign. But it wasn’t.

I also had a problem with the main guy in charge of the whole petition thing. Ladies, as you know, if you don’t look like a lagoon creature, and know how to brush your hair and put on some Chapstick, you will attract some male attention. When a man checks you out from top to bottom, and is quite obvious about it, it is called the “glad eye”.

I did not want the glad eye from this man. The only way I can describe his appearance and demeanor is if Kenny Loggins and Gollum from Lord of the Rings had a gruesome love child. I try not to judge people, but this guy gave me the heebie jeebies.

So anyways, in order not to talk to this creepy man about whatever that petition was, I just said, “I’m Canadian. I can’t vote here.” I got this idea from my Dad. He plays hockey and always wears this Montreal Canadians sweatshirt.

This creepy man didn’t believe me though. I told him that I won’t become an American citizen because Canada has universal healthcare, a lower drinking age, and that Sidney Crosby is the cutest thing to come out of Nova Scotia. I’m not sure if any of those things are true. . .but hey it worked.
So thank you Dad for the superb lie you told, and thank you Canada for inventing one of my favorite sports.

Read More

Things I Love During The Holidays

-A tall glass of hot chocolate.

-A tall glass of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps.

-Watching Shemar Moore on Criminal Minds and calling him a tall glass of hot chocolate ;)

-Christmas episodes of my favorite television shows.

-Watching The Nightmare Before Christmas . . . for about the 100th time.

-My 3 foot Christmas tree with lights so bright I think you could see it from outer space.

-Making a batch of cookies for myself. . . I mean “Santa” ;)

-It’s the only time of the year I can wear green eye shadow and red lipstick at the same time and not look ridiculous.

-Making snow angels and wondering why in the hell they never look how they’re supposed to.

-Driving around the suburbs at night and looking at the houses with the most badass set of Christmas lights.

-Gingerbread scented candles.

-Flirting with the handsome Marines outside of the store collecting toys for tots.

-Donating a toy because every child deserves presents to open on Christmas morning.

- Singlehandedly eating all the candy canes before I even get a chance to put them on the tree.

-Secretly laughing at news stories about drunk Santa’s getting into altercations with the police. . .especially if there is a taser involved.

-Always forgetting batteries for kids toys. Every. Single. Year.

-Getting tipsy at office parties.

-Hoping that I don’t get stuck under a mistletoe with someone who looks like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family.

-Wondering if someone’s grandma really has actually gotten ran over by a reindeer walking home on Christmas Eve. I’m (kind of) sorry your horrible accident has turned into a catchy holiday song.

-Conducting the search for the ultimate tacky Christmas sweater.

-Should any family members read this, Sephora gift cards ;)


What are your favorite things about the holidays? Feel free to comment or send me an e-mail.

Read More

Make Your Own Damn Sandwich!

Random thought of the day: why do guys still say, “Make me a sandwich!”? At first when my guy friends would say it, I got a kick out of it. It was funny watching my friends try to act like chauvinistic pigs. But then one day my man at the time said this to me. . . and he was serious. He had 2 hands and half a brain, so why couldn’t he make his own sandwich?!

So why do guys still say this? After thinking for a while, I’ve come up with the conclusion that us ladies just don’t have a snappy comeback. Until now. . .

-Play dumb: “How? I don’t get it. What’s a sandwich?”

-Put him in his place: “I make more money than you, I’m the breadwinner, make ME a fucking sandwich! Get back in the kitchen.”

-Promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Ryan Trifecta is no longer gorgeous.” (The Ryan Trifecta consists of Gosling, Reynolds, and Phillippe.)

-Speaking of Ryan Gosling: “I’ll make you a sandwich if you watch The Notebook with me WITHOUT complaining.”

-Bash my local sports team: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Seattle Mariners win the World Series.” (Hint: They NEVER will.)

-For the commitment-phobe: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you make me an honest woman.” (Tip: Pick up some bridal magazines, and any wedding related movie (The Wedding Singer, Runaway Bride, Mama Mia, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Bride Wars, The Proposal, License to Wed, Made of Honor, Father of the Bride, 27 Dresses, Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Wedding Crashers, etc.))

-Insult his manhood: “I’ll make you a foot long when you grow a foot long.”

-Insult his manhood again: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you can give me a real orgasm.”

-And once again, promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich right now if you can name every winner of America’s Next Top Model without cheating.” (And in case you’re wondering: Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, Naima, Nicole L, Danielle, CariDee, Jaslene, Saleisha, Whitney, McKey, Teyona, Nicole F, Krista, Ann, Brittani, and Lisa.)

So ladies, if you’re having this problem like, me I hope this helps you out. And if you have any tips of your own, please share!

Read More

In My Previous Post. . .

I said I would buy pounds upon pounds of makeup glitter as it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. Let me explain.

While working at home, I’ve found myself watching way too much television and YouTube. And something I find particualry funny are the Allstate commercials. Something about that man in a suit pretending to be a raccoon or a GPS really makes me laugh.

So does Allstate cover random attacks of glitter? Say a woman breaks into her ex’s apartment for whatever reason and instead of spray painting some profanity everywhere, she gets smart and decides to cover everything in glitter.

As we all know, glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It will NEVER EVER go away. Imagine the look on your ex’s face when they have to explain to everyone why they are covered head to toe in pink magnificent sparkling glitter!

A perfect form of nonviolent revenge!

Read More

A Good Thing or A Bad Thing?

I was getting off the ferry the other week. As I passed the people waiting to get on the ferry, I made eye contact with an EXTREMELY attractive man. Normally I get pretty awkward around any somewhat decent looking man- but this time a miracle happened. We made some rather intense
contact. It's the first time in years that I've felt butterflies in my stomach. The EXTREMELY attractive man I checked out and thought naughty thoughts about. . . my ex boyfriend.

Was that a good thing or a bad thing I did?!

Now today I crossed the border into Crazy Town. I looked him up on Facebook. Upon looking at his profile picture, I can without a doubt confirm he IS NOT the same man from the ferry.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?!

I thought I was looking at my ex but ended up giving a complete stranger my best bedroom eyes. Is my memory really so bad I can't remember the face of a guy I dated? Now I'm debating looking at that missed connections page I keep hearing about. Or even worse- sending a nonchalant "hey I thought I saw you" message on Facebook.

Both are crazy.

Read More