I Sleepwalk

If you’re a regular reader, you know my trouble with sleeping is well documented. If you’re not a regular reader, well I’m pretty much nocturnal, and that’s not good when you have a day job.

But yeah I’m pretty sure I sleepwalk.

Last night I went to bed with my hair wrapped up in a scarf and I was wearing my Hello Kitty sleep shades. I woke up this morning (more tired than normal) and my hair was a mess and my Hello Kitty sleep shades were nowhere to be found.

Something even more interesting… I found peanut butter cup wrappers in my bed. WTF!? Did I mention that I woke up on my bedroom floor, in front of my heater, underneath a pile of blankets?

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this doesn’t happen again. If I’m going to go through my entire chocolate stash in a single night, I’d like to be awake for it!

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Insomnia Musings About Ariel

Ariel has always been my favorite Disney princess. Despite barely knowing how to swim, when I was little I so desperately wanted to be a mermaid. I would watch the VHS tape over and over again. I also wondered how much fucking Manic Panic it took to get her hair to that shade. And also how in the hell did she get that shell bikini top to stay on perfectly. But watching the Little Mermaid now, I’m having some rather mixed feelings.

Ariel gave away her beautiful voice, to have a pair of legs. That’s messed up to trade whatever you have that makes you unique. I understand that by flipping your fins, you don’t get too far. But really? Doing all of this for a guy you don’t know? So legs are required for jumping, dancing and strolling along on. . .what’s that word again? oh street. Legs also require frequent shaving, feet need pedicures, and you risk an expensive addiction to shoe shopping.

So in the land of where we walk, where we run, where we stay all day in the sun, I am telling you to stay the fuck in the ocean! Don’t be a part of our world! Love that fact that you’re a mermaid instead of being upset of what you are.

Ariel, you should have had Ursula take his voice and turn him into a merman in exchange for his voice. You wouldn’t have to leave your family behind, or trade your beautiful singing voice. Add in the bonus of never having to hear your man gripe about any issues ever!

Now here comes the mixed feelings part. . . despite having the burden of having to shave your legs on a regular basis, I would totally want to be a human. Y’see in the world of Cartoon Land, that prince/sailor guy Ariel likes, I think his name is Eric or something like that, is decent looking. I have a strange thing for tall, athletic white guys with dark hair so I would totally hit that.

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In My Previous Post. . .

I said I would buy pounds upon pounds of makeup glitter as it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. Let me explain.

While working at home, I’ve found myself watching way too much television and YouTube. And something I find particualry funny are the Allstate commercials. Something about that man in a suit pretending to be a raccoon or a GPS really makes me laugh.

So does Allstate cover random attacks of glitter? Say a woman breaks into her ex’s apartment for whatever reason and instead of spray painting some profanity everywhere, she gets smart and decides to cover everything in glitter.

As we all know, glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It will NEVER EVER go away. Imagine the look on your ex’s face when they have to explain to everyone why they are covered head to toe in pink magnificent sparkling glitter!

A perfect form of nonviolent revenge!

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Insomnia Musings

I’m thinking about casting an evil voodoo witch doctor spell on the next person who says, “Just lie down and close your eyes.” Because it’s just that easy! Now I’m considering carrying around a creepy shrunken head to repel those older men that I seem to attract. And possibly repel the strange people I seem to encounter on public transportation.


Now I’m thinking about how much money my neighbor spends on cigarettes. One time she was smoking so much, MY smoke alarm went off. Lets see. . . a pack a day, assuming each pack costs $6, is. . . $180. Holy Shit!!! That is 9 pairs of $20 shoes, 12 pairs if Payless is having a bogo sale, 36 Starbucks coffees at $5 each, The Love Lucy complete DVD box set and 3 bags of Starbucks roast coffee to say up and watch every episode, 140 songs on itunes at 1.29 each, 45 rolls of Hello Kitty duct tape, 9 handles of Sailor Jerry, 3 years worth of hair dye, 25 PF Changs frozen dinner things, 180 Cherry Chapsticks, 25 Great Lash mascaras, 360 Ring Pops from the convenience store, 51 tubes of toothpaste, 60 Venus razors, 5 reasonably priced swimsuits, a car payment on a small 4 door sedan from a bad credit car dealership, 139 boxes of Pockey Sticks, 720 gumballs, 360 tries at the claw machine, 3 $50 dresses from Modcloth plus a cute accessory, 25 pairs of panties (during a 5 for $25 sale) plus 3 bras. . .

Well you get the point. Actually no wait. . . with an extra $180 I would buy pounds upon pounds of cosmetic grade glitter. Since glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. It’s the gift that keeps on giving! I’ll write more about that later :)


Goodnight Blogland.

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