Big Girl Panties

It’s already 12 days into the new year and I’ve yet to accomplish anything. Unless you consider memorizing “Bounce That Dick” by Jenna Marbles an accomplishment?! Yeah I didn’t think so either.

I think maybe I should give myself a break.

In the last few months I’ve metaphorically purchased a pair of Big Girl Panties. I’ve made the decision to make a fresh start in a new city where nobody knows my name. I’m also throwing caution to the wind and going to cosmetology school.

Now I have to go and actually put on those metaphorical Big Girl Panties, and that scares me. I’ll have to be. . .independent. I can’t rely on Daddy or (now ex) husband to help me. This is a strange feeling. . .or maybe that’s the sangria I just had. Either way, I’m anxious to what the near future holds for me, but hopefully it’s filled with lunacy and best (sangria) wishes!

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"I'm Canadian"

I’m not actually Canadian. I’m half British, but that doesn’t really count. I went to Vancouver once on a day trip. I even briefly dated a hockey playing guy from a place that I can’t even spell. . . No wait, I just crossed the border into Creepy Town and looked him up on FB. I can totally spell Alberta.

Back to the point. Lately outside of the major stores in the area, are a bunch of guys asking to sign a petition. I don’t want to sign anything. Signing a lease on an apartment was difficult for me, so something that could turn into a law and possibly affect millions of people, not cool. If it was a petition for rescuing puppies and kittens, I would sign. But it wasn’t.

I also had a problem with the main guy in charge of the whole petition thing. Ladies, as you know, if you don’t look like a lagoon creature, and know how to brush your hair and put on some Chapstick, you will attract some male attention. When a man checks you out from top to bottom, and is quite obvious about it, it is called the “glad eye”.

I did not want the glad eye from this man. The only way I can describe his appearance and demeanor is if Kenny Loggins and Gollum from Lord of the Rings had a gruesome love child. I try not to judge people, but this guy gave me the heebie jeebies.

So anyways, in order not to talk to this creepy man about whatever that petition was, I just said, “I’m Canadian. I can’t vote here.” I got this idea from my Dad. He plays hockey and always wears this Montreal Canadians sweatshirt.

This creepy man didn’t believe me though. I told him that I won’t become an American citizen because Canada has universal healthcare, a lower drinking age, and that Sidney Crosby is the cutest thing to come out of Nova Scotia. I’m not sure if any of those things are true. . .but hey it worked.
So thank you Dad for the superb lie you told, and thank you Canada for inventing one of my favorite sports.

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Make Your Own Damn Sandwich!

Random thought of the day: why do guys still say, “Make me a sandwich!”? At first when my guy friends would say it, I got a kick out of it. It was funny watching my friends try to act like chauvinistic pigs. But then one day my man at the time said this to me. . . and he was serious. He had 2 hands and half a brain, so why couldn’t he make his own sandwich?!

So why do guys still say this? After thinking for a while, I’ve come up with the conclusion that us ladies just don’t have a snappy comeback. Until now. . .

-Play dumb: “How? I don’t get it. What’s a sandwich?”

-Put him in his place: “I make more money than you, I’m the breadwinner, make ME a fucking sandwich! Get back in the kitchen.”

-Promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Ryan Trifecta is no longer gorgeous.” (The Ryan Trifecta consists of Gosling, Reynolds, and Phillippe.)

-Speaking of Ryan Gosling: “I’ll make you a sandwich if you watch The Notebook with me WITHOUT complaining.”

-Bash my local sports team: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Seattle Mariners win the World Series.” (Hint: They NEVER will.)

-For the commitment-phobe: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you make me an honest woman.” (Tip: Pick up some bridal magazines, and any wedding related movie (The Wedding Singer, Runaway Bride, Mama Mia, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Bride Wars, The Proposal, License to Wed, Made of Honor, Father of the Bride, 27 Dresses, Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Wedding Crashers, etc.))

-Insult his manhood: “I’ll make you a foot long when you grow a foot long.”

-Insult his manhood again: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you can give me a real orgasm.”

-And once again, promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich right now if you can name every winner of America’s Next Top Model without cheating.” (And in case you’re wondering: Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, Naima, Nicole L, Danielle, CariDee, Jaslene, Saleisha, Whitney, McKey, Teyona, Nicole F, Krista, Ann, Brittani, and Lisa.)

So ladies, if you’re having this problem like, me I hope this helps you out. And if you have any tips of your own, please share!

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I Believe in Unicorns, Fairies, Good Men, and Other Fantasy Creatures.

My advice for coping with a breakup:

1. Take some time to cry. Not during happy hour or at work! Go home, grab yourself some tissues and just get it out of your system.

2. DON’T: call, text, e-mail, instant message, write on his Facebook wall, tell someone to talk to him for you, put a message inside a bottle and throw it into the ocean, use a carrier pigeon, or contact him in any way, shape, or form.

3. Put on your comfy sweat pants, take out a gallon of ice cream, and commence the best movie marathon EVER!

4. Look up videos of cute puppies and kittens on YouTube. Trust me it works!

5. Trash talk over margaritas with your girlfriends.

6. Buy yourself those stilettos you’ve been wanting for forever but never bought them because you didn’t want to be taller than him.

7. Thank yourself for having enough common sense not to get his name tattooed on you. And use that common sense when you visit the beauty salon for your mandatory post-breakup makeover. Highlights are okay… shaving your head Britney Spears style, NOT OKAY!

8. Shamelessly flirt with that coffee shop guy/bartender/random guy in the grocery store just because you can.

9. Delete all the pictures of you together and take some sexy pics just for yourself. Also, burn all those actual pictures you have together, along with anything else that he left. If luck is on your side, some sexy firefighters might show up.

10. Buy YOURSELF some diamond jewelry.

11. Do that one thing you’ve always wanted to try but never had the guts to.

12. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. . .flaws and all.

13. Take time to get to know yourself as a person. Take a class, travel the world, or whatever floats your boat. Who are you? What do you stand for? Don’t let a man define who you are.

14. Avoid any retaliation that could land you in jail. I’ve watched enough Discovery Channel tell that jail is not a fun place to be.

15. Laugh at snarky breakup quotes that make your day just that much better.

“I still miss my ex, but it's more fun watching him duck and run!”
“I ran into my EX the other day, so I put the car in reverse and hit him again.”
“Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma?”
“My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil”
“I got the ring, he got the finger.”
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing he said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t like you, why would I want someone like you."
"Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs." ~ Miss Piggy

16. Don’t hold on to the assumption that you might get back together in the future. It’s time to move on honey!

17. Know that there are millions of eligible men out there in the world. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE NEW!

18. For the love of God DO NOT go to any engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings or similar function (especially if there is an open bar).

19. Tell your ex the truth about how many orgasms you faked.

20. And finally, pat yourself on the back for having a relationship that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s 72 day publicity stunt. . . I mean marriage.

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In My Previous Post. . .

I said I would buy pounds upon pounds of makeup glitter as it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. Let me explain.

While working at home, I’ve found myself watching way too much television and YouTube. And something I find particualry funny are the Allstate commercials. Something about that man in a suit pretending to be a raccoon or a GPS really makes me laugh.

So does Allstate cover random attacks of glitter? Say a woman breaks into her ex’s apartment for whatever reason and instead of spray painting some profanity everywhere, she gets smart and decides to cover everything in glitter.

As we all know, glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It will NEVER EVER go away. Imagine the look on your ex’s face when they have to explain to everyone why they are covered head to toe in pink magnificent sparkling glitter!

A perfect form of nonviolent revenge!

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Insomnia Musings

I’m thinking about casting an evil voodoo witch doctor spell on the next person who says, “Just lie down and close your eyes.” Because it’s just that easy! Now I’m considering carrying around a creepy shrunken head to repel those older men that I seem to attract. And possibly repel the strange people I seem to encounter on public transportation.


Now I’m thinking about how much money my neighbor spends on cigarettes. One time she was smoking so much, MY smoke alarm went off. Lets see. . . a pack a day, assuming each pack costs $6, is. . . $180. Holy Shit!!! That is 9 pairs of $20 shoes, 12 pairs if Payless is having a bogo sale, 36 Starbucks coffees at $5 each, The Love Lucy complete DVD box set and 3 bags of Starbucks roast coffee to say up and watch every episode, 140 songs on itunes at 1.29 each, 45 rolls of Hello Kitty duct tape, 9 handles of Sailor Jerry, 3 years worth of hair dye, 25 PF Changs frozen dinner things, 180 Cherry Chapsticks, 25 Great Lash mascaras, 360 Ring Pops from the convenience store, 51 tubes of toothpaste, 60 Venus razors, 5 reasonably priced swimsuits, a car payment on a small 4 door sedan from a bad credit car dealership, 139 boxes of Pockey Sticks, 720 gumballs, 360 tries at the claw machine, 3 $50 dresses from Modcloth plus a cute accessory, 25 pairs of panties (during a 5 for $25 sale) plus 3 bras. . .

Well you get the point. Actually no wait. . . with an extra $180 I would buy pounds upon pounds of cosmetic grade glitter. Since glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. It’s the gift that keeps on giving! I’ll write more about that later :)


Goodnight Blogland.

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A Good Thing or A Bad Thing?

I was getting off the ferry the other week. As I passed the people waiting to get on the ferry, I made eye contact with an EXTREMELY attractive man. Normally I get pretty awkward around any somewhat decent looking man- but this time a miracle happened. We made some rather intense
contact. It's the first time in years that I've felt butterflies in my stomach. The EXTREMELY attractive man I checked out and thought naughty thoughts about. . . my ex boyfriend.

Was that a good thing or a bad thing I did?!

Now today I crossed the border into Crazy Town. I looked him up on Facebook. Upon looking at his profile picture, I can without a doubt confirm he IS NOT the same man from the ferry.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?!

I thought I was looking at my ex but ended up giving a complete stranger my best bedroom eyes. Is my memory really so bad I can't remember the face of a guy I dated? Now I'm debating looking at that missed connections page I keep hearing about. Or even worse- sending a nonchalant "hey I thought I saw you" message on Facebook.

Both are crazy.

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