Help My Friends!

Do you have any other suggestions?

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WANTED: A Good Drinking Buddy

Can you drink like a fish?

Can you drink like a fish without profusely vomiting? I understand it happens once in a great while, usually on a tequila bender, but I DO NOT want to be holding back your hair every time.

Have you ever drunk dialed your ex to tell them that you want them back recently? If you answered yes, you need not apply. If you have called your ex to tell them how much of a loser they are, well then that is perfectly okay.

Can you tell the difference between well and premium liquor?
Do you know it is NEVER okay to order a Mikes Hard Lemonade unless you are using it as a chaser to real alcohol or to maintain your current level of drunkenness?

Are you strangely drawn to biker bars? Do you watch too much Sons of Anarchy, or have a preference for guys with facial hair who wear leather chaps? That’s okay. I much prefer dive bars myself. There is a significantly lesser chance of running into a Metrosexual Douchebag. Y’ know the meathead who wears half a pound of hair gel, a pooka shell necklace, and a t-shirt a couple sizes too small to show off his biceps covered with tribal tattoos? He talks about how much money he has and about the nice car he drives. Listen Douchebag, I don’t care if you have a BMW. . . from 1994! I would say that this guy has the personality of Tucker Max, but that would be insulting to Tucker. Metro Douchebag also boasts about how he could have any girl he wanted in the building, but you are the LUCKY one. What a load of bullshit.

Anyways, after a long night, would you put out a cup of ice water, a wet washcloth, a garbage can, and a bottle of Tums and some Tylenol for me? Would you make sure I didn’t pass out wearing my shoes. . .or with some random bar guy? Because I would do the same for you.

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About Me

Well I let you ladies (I’m assuming most of you are ladies) decide what my next post should be, and you chose yours truly. This is also a perfect chance to introduce myself to visitors from Beauty By Krystal.

How old are you? I am going to turn 22 on January 3rd.

What do you do? I work as a caregiver, and I’m an accounting student, although I’m considering going to cosmetology school.

What do you do in your spare time? I read, write, watch TV, Google random beauty topics and videos on YouTube, and any random hobby that catches my interest.

Have you really made a Café Mocha Vodka Valium Latte? Not yet.

What was the last beauty item you purchased? Some Ardell “Holiday Cheers” lashes. They’re really long and covered in rhinestone sparkles. I have no idea where I will ever wear these, but they were 50% off, so I couldn’t resist.

Have you accomplished any of your Beauty Resolutions? Slowly but surely I’m working on it! I’ve already found my signature scent! Read the full article here. . . http://thebeautydepartment.com/2011/12/beauty-resolutions/


Why does your blog only have one beauty related article? I started this blog just to chronicle my petite hot mess self. It’s kind of like an online diary where I can talk about my crazy thoughts and hopefully entertain some of you. While I love anything hair, makeup and skincare related, I don’t want to feel trapped into one particular blog niche.

Are you really planning for the Zombie Apocalypse? Hell yeah I am! I think everyone has their own feeling about the end of the world, and I choose zombies. Even with all the planning in the world though, I still don’t think I’m ready!

What is the meaning behind “Lunacy and Best Wishes?” I wish I had a good answer for you! After a couple of shots, I let the vodka tell me what it wanted!

Thank you everyone for your e-mails! Any more questions, feel free to ask me. If you’re visiting from another blog, have a look around and comment/share/whatever!

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Do I Have A Soul?

Who started the trend about redheads/gingers having no soul? I’m curious because I have a question to ask them.

I didn’t think about this until just today, but my Grandmother was a ginger. She dyed her hair blonde most of her life, but she had a mane that rivaled Carrot Top’s…Okay I feel bad comparing her to Carrot Top, I’ll say Christina Hendricks instead, even though CH isn’t a real readhead.

So since my Grandma Francess had the same color hair as Christina Hendricks, does that mean that I only have 75% of a soul?

Will this explain all my questionable decisions? Will this explain my wacky state of mind? Is 25% of me just some hollow vessel? What is going to happen to me when I die? Dammit these are serious questions and I demand some answers!

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World War Z

I’m pretty convinced that, hopefully not in my lifetime, the Zombie Apocalypse will happen. I’ve studied The Zombie Survival Guide to know how to survive. I’ve also read World War Z and know the devastating physical, emotional, and environmental effects of said war. (I also wrote a badass English essay about those effects as well!)

Without Max Brooks’ words of wisdom and common sense, I would be hopeless.

But anyways back to my random thought of the day. . .I live on a ground floor apartment, if Resident Evil: Real Life should occur, I would be a goner.

In every room of my apartment, with the exception of one bathroom, there is a window. How in the hell am I supposed to defend myself?! I can’t have zombies climbing down into my bedroom window while another swarm of the undead breaks through my sliding glass door in the living room. I could barricade myself in, but since zombies have unlimited stamina, it would only be a matter of time before the undead would feast upon my slightly alcoholic flesh.

In my studies of the Zombie Apocalypse, it is critical to have a plan b, and plan c, and et cetera. My newest plan is to keep watching the news keeping an ear out for the keywords like, “cannibalism” or anything, “highly contagious”. Hopefully I will have a head start and make my way to the nearest marina. From there I shall find a sailboat and prepare for the incoming war.

Is my planning for a ridiculous, hypothetical event absolutely crazy? Yes indeed it is. But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

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Things I Love During The Holidays

-A tall glass of hot chocolate.

-A tall glass of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps.

-Watching Shemar Moore on Criminal Minds and calling him a tall glass of hot chocolate ;)

-Christmas episodes of my favorite television shows.

-Watching The Nightmare Before Christmas . . . for about the 100th time.

-My 3 foot Christmas tree with lights so bright I think you could see it from outer space.

-Making a batch of cookies for myself. . . I mean “Santa” ;)

-It’s the only time of the year I can wear green eye shadow and red lipstick at the same time and not look ridiculous.

-Making snow angels and wondering why in the hell they never look how they’re supposed to.

-Driving around the suburbs at night and looking at the houses with the most badass set of Christmas lights.

-Gingerbread scented candles.

-Flirting with the handsome Marines outside of the store collecting toys for tots.

-Donating a toy because every child deserves presents to open on Christmas morning.

- Singlehandedly eating all the candy canes before I even get a chance to put them on the tree.

-Secretly laughing at news stories about drunk Santa’s getting into altercations with the police. . .especially if there is a taser involved.

-Always forgetting batteries for kids toys. Every. Single. Year.

-Getting tipsy at office parties.

-Hoping that I don’t get stuck under a mistletoe with someone who looks like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family.

-Wondering if someone’s grandma really has actually gotten ran over by a reindeer walking home on Christmas Eve. I’m (kind of) sorry your horrible accident has turned into a catchy holiday song.

-Conducting the search for the ultimate tacky Christmas sweater.

-Should any family members read this, Sephora gift cards ;)


What are your favorite things about the holidays? Feel free to comment or send me an e-mail.

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Santa Baby

I cringe every time I’m forced to hear this song, particularly the Taylor Swift version.

I cannot be the only person completely creeped out by this. I’ll explain. . . let us all pretend for a moment that Santa is actually a real person.

Now the tone of this song is rather seductive, and in the lyrics, the singer is asking for presents. Are you asking Santa to be your sugar daddy?! C’mon you can do better than that! This guy sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you get up in the morning, and knows when you’re naughty. I think that crosses some boundaries. On top of that, he breaks into your house while you’re asleep and expects food. Not to mention he’s an elderly obese man with a wife at home. He’s also flying to cities all over the world completely unnoticed at night, is he a drug smuggler or something? Are those elves really making toys, or is “toys” a code name for crystal meth?

Do any of you have similar feelings or am I a little bit crazier than what I think I am?

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I’m Sorry You’re Not Feeling Well

Word on the internet is that a lot of people I know haven’t been feeling so well lately. Although I can’t bring you homemade chicken noodle soup or drug you with copious amounts of Nyquil, I can do one thing. . . and that’s make you smile :D

Don’t you dare tell me that you’re not smiling right now! This picture just gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside (Unless you are really sick and should probably see a doctor). Miss Piggy, Piglet, Piggly Wiggly, Babe, Wilbur, Bacon Bits, Evil Doctor Pork Chop, or whatever decide to name it, you can’t deny how precious this picture is.

If you’re not smiling right now you are either, 1. Having a really bad day. Or 2. You’re just a horrible person without a soul.

This picture is so adorable, I’m considering never having a BLT or ham sandwich ever again. That’s pretty substantial considering I consider bacon a food group.

So if you’re having a bad day, I hope this made you feel at least a little bit better. And please share with your friends because this picture is just too darn cute to keep all to yourself.

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Make Your Own Damn Sandwich!

Random thought of the day: why do guys still say, “Make me a sandwich!”? At first when my guy friends would say it, I got a kick out of it. It was funny watching my friends try to act like chauvinistic pigs. But then one day my man at the time said this to me. . . and he was serious. He had 2 hands and half a brain, so why couldn’t he make his own sandwich?!

So why do guys still say this? After thinking for a while, I’ve come up with the conclusion that us ladies just don’t have a snappy comeback. Until now. . .

-Play dumb: “How? I don’t get it. What’s a sandwich?”

-Put him in his place: “I make more money than you, I’m the breadwinner, make ME a fucking sandwich! Get back in the kitchen.”

-Promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Ryan Trifecta is no longer gorgeous.” (The Ryan Trifecta consists of Gosling, Reynolds, and Phillippe.)

-Speaking of Ryan Gosling: “I’ll make you a sandwich if you watch The Notebook with me WITHOUT complaining.”

-Bash my local sports team: “I’ll make you a sandwich when the Seattle Mariners win the World Series.” (Hint: They NEVER will.)

-For the commitment-phobe: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you make me an honest woman.” (Tip: Pick up some bridal magazines, and any wedding related movie (The Wedding Singer, Runaway Bride, Mama Mia, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Bride Wars, The Proposal, License to Wed, Made of Honor, Father of the Bride, 27 Dresses, Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Wedding Crashers, etc.))

-Insult his manhood: “I’ll make you a foot long when you grow a foot long.”

-Insult his manhood again: “I’ll make you a sandwich when you can give me a real orgasm.”

-And once again, promise the impossible: “I’ll make you a sandwich right now if you can name every winner of America’s Next Top Model without cheating.” (And in case you’re wondering: Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, Naima, Nicole L, Danielle, CariDee, Jaslene, Saleisha, Whitney, McKey, Teyona, Nicole F, Krista, Ann, Brittani, and Lisa.)

So ladies, if you’re having this problem like, me I hope this helps you out. And if you have any tips of your own, please share!

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I Should Have A PhD in Procrastination

I definitely feel like a hot mess today. I’m buried by a mountain of math homework (my least favorite subject) and have somehow found myself lost on the internet.

I blame this picture for my wondering mind. . .

Why am I thinking about ordering a Café-Mocha-Vodka-Valium-Latte?! Would vodka actually work or should I use Bailey’s instead? Can I have caramel too? Will Valium affect the taste? Will this combination make the indie music (that I pretend to not like) inside the local coffee shop tolerable? What is the apprioate alcohol to Valium ratio? Can I grind up the Valium and sprinkle it on top like powdered sugar? How much will this cost? I can’t be like those “coffee addicts” who drops $300 a month on coffee (And yes I’ve met plenty of Seattle women who do this). And most importantly, how much can I drink before a hospital trip is needed? I have no insurance of any kind, so that would be bad.

The next thing I know, I’m praying to Vodka. Are you there Vodka? It’s me Gigi. How come you listen to Chelsea Handler and ignore me? She got a deal with Velvedere that is not fair! All I want is a job at the local liquor store so I can sell your sweet, wonderful, delicious nectar so others can bask in your goodness. If you don’t answer soon, I’ll have to switch to Scotch. Don’t think I won’t do it! I’ll drink it in the most obnoxious manner too, a la Ron Burgandy. I love Scotch, Scotchy Scotch Scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly mmm mmm mmm.

Now I’m flipping between watching beauty tutorials on YouTube, writing about this blog, and wondering what the hell is on television tonight.

So much for being a productive member of society. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow :D

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Insomnia Musings

I’m thinking about casting an evil voodoo witch doctor spell on the next person who says, “Just lie down and close your eyes.” Because it’s just that easy! Now I’m considering carrying around a creepy shrunken head to repel those older men that I seem to attract. And possibly repel the strange people I seem to encounter on public transportation.


Now I’m thinking about how much money my neighbor spends on cigarettes. One time she was smoking so much, MY smoke alarm went off. Lets see. . . a pack a day, assuming each pack costs $6, is. . . $180. Holy Shit!!! That is 9 pairs of $20 shoes, 12 pairs if Payless is having a bogo sale, 36 Starbucks coffees at $5 each, The Love Lucy complete DVD box set and 3 bags of Starbucks roast coffee to say up and watch every episode, 140 songs on itunes at 1.29 each, 45 rolls of Hello Kitty duct tape, 9 handles of Sailor Jerry, 3 years worth of hair dye, 25 PF Changs frozen dinner things, 180 Cherry Chapsticks, 25 Great Lash mascaras, 360 Ring Pops from the convenience store, 51 tubes of toothpaste, 60 Venus razors, 5 reasonably priced swimsuits, a car payment on a small 4 door sedan from a bad credit car dealership, 139 boxes of Pockey Sticks, 720 gumballs, 360 tries at the claw machine, 3 $50 dresses from Modcloth plus a cute accessory, 25 pairs of panties (during a 5 for $25 sale) plus 3 bras. . .

Well you get the point. Actually no wait. . . with an extra $180 I would buy pounds upon pounds of cosmetic grade glitter. Since glitter is the herpes of craft supplies, it is the perfect form of nonviolent revenge. It’s the gift that keeps on giving! I’ll write more about that later :)


Goodnight Blogland.

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